Sunday, July 25, 2010

Little White Vegas Lies

This heat oven I call home is known for its slogan "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." It's a 24-7 town where you can make people believe anything about you that you want them to believe. The funny thing is not only visitors change their identities when they come to Vegas but us locals do it too. Every time I go out I am a new person with a new career and identity. I'm getting pretty good at this white lie game and now I can even play it off with a straight face.

It all started with my alter ego "Jubilee" who was a foreigner (complete with accent). She was 14 years old and in the club with her fake ID. This worked great for creepy old men because they second they heard "14" they ran.

Jubilee later turned into my next made up alter ego "Chardonnay." Chardonnay was a little rich girl from Napa who's daddy owned a vineyard that produced Chardonnay wine, which is why he named me that.

Recently I have been using my real name but making up different careers when people ask me what I do for a living. My favorite one lately is telling people that I run the water show at the Bellagio and I sit in a little room that plays music while I push buttons and flip switches to sync the different fountains with the music.

Next time you come to Vegas, try not to believe anything that anyone tells you ;-)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Caution: Far Objects May Appear Cuter Than They Are

Every time I go to the gym I try to scope out my eye candy that I will focus on throughout my workout. It keeps me working hard and dedicated haha. Today I hopped on the treadmill and immediately picked a hottie running on a treadmill near by. He was adorable! Tanned skin, nice toned body, about 6'2, looked so cute in his hat and he even kept glancing over at me.

After my workout I decided I didn't want to leave the gym without talking to him. I thought he could be my future husband and what if I missed the chance to meet him?! After chickening out about 5 times my "friend" told me she wouldn't take me home until I went and talked to him. I was stuck. So I walked over to him and this is what happened....

Me: Hi! I feel like I know you from somewhere and it's going to drive me crazy if I don't figure it out. (I had never seen him before in my life)

Him: Hmmm I don't know.

Me: Do you recognize this face? (As I'm dripping with sweat and all red from a really hard workout)

Him: Maybe, but I'm not sure. (He smiles and his teeth are SO jacked up they are throwing out gang signs). I work at Planet Hollywood.

Me: Oh what do you do there? Are you a bouncer?

Him: Nope. I'm a bell hop.

Me: Have a good workout! (As I run away and hide).

Maybe I had sweat in my eyes when I picked him as my eye candy today, but he was definitely a lot better looking from a lot further away. Moral of the story? I'm never talking to any guy at the gym EVER again!

Monday, July 19, 2010

You find the most hilarious stuff when you clean out your closet...

Even though I have forgotten most things about my beginning of high school "boyfriend" my parents and neighbors definitely have not.

In high school I was preppy. I wore Hollister and Abercrombie. I hung out with other girls like me and we were little clones of each other. We all liked boys from the same "popular" group and didn't dare talk to any other type of boy that might be at our school.

Somewhere in this time frame I decided I was going to lead a double life. My after school life was a lot different than my at school life. This after school life was when the Hollister and Abercrombie clothes would come off and the black clothes and dark black eyeliner would be put on. What better accessory for a "punk rock" girl than a "punk rock" boyfriend?

That's where Danny comes in (and yes I'm actually using a guy's real name on my blog!) His goal in life? Move to Canada and become and Anarchist. I thought he was the coolest, except for when we were at school...then I would pass him in the hallways and look the other way or try to avoid him.

My parents always had this rule that I wasn't allowed to have boys in the house when they weren't home. My solution? Have them come over anyway and just hang out in the driveway or neighborhood. Can you imagine the surprise on my parents and neighbors faces when everyone starting coming home at 5 o clock that day and saw this in my driveway.....

Yes those are 3 inch spikes in his hair. And just wait it gets worse....I even drew pictures of our life together (spikes included)....

Check out that awesome outfit I'm wearing...and those sweet swirly tattoos on my shoulders. Haha. All I have to say is thank God it was just one of many phases I went through.....

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

"I'm sorry but I am not going to be called uncool by a girl who eats yellow mustard"

Yesterday I was swimming laps at our community pool and this little girl swam into my lane. Just as I was about to push off the wall for my next lap I heard a little voice say "Do you mind if I hang out in this lane with you?" I told her that I didn't mind sharing the lane, and kept swimming. During the next lap I wondered why she wasn't playing with the other little girls at the pool and that's when I heard them giggle and say:

"Eww get away from are contaminating the water"

"I didn't know they allowed fat uncool people in the pool"

"I don't want to remember you or your face, go away"

Right then my heart broke for this little girl. I wanted to yell at the mean little girls and tell them to stop. I wondered if I had been that mean when I was little, and I thought about all the bullies that used to pick on me. I wanted to hug her and tell her that someday it wouldn't matter what those mean girls were saying. That someday she would grow up and be skinny and pretty and better than them, but I didn't say anything. I just kept swimming.

She was still in my lane 30 minutes later when I was on my last lap and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to escape the pool without saying something to this little girl. So I stopped, and we talked for a little bit.

At the end of the conversation I said to her "I'm sorry those girls are being mean to you but you don't need to listen because you are better than that," and she looked at me with the innocence of an 11 year old and said "I'm sorry but I am not going to be called uncool by a girl who eats yellow mustard."

All I could do was smile and tell her that I liked her attitude.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Why I need to marry for the love of money or be successful on my own....

So I could drive this.....

And live here.....

And workout in my own home gym.....

And do this every weekend.....

And this all day.....

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I hated my job...and then I got fired

Since this is my uncensored life it's time to tell ya'll what is goin on.

Today I got fired from my job. Because I wouldn't be my boss's best friend.

I didn't want to move into her office when my coworker left. I didn't want to sit around and paint nails and watch TV at work. I didn't want to hear about her weekends or facebook status updates and what people were saying on them. I just wanted to do my job and have her leave me alone. That's when things started to get crazy.

First she decided she was going to shun me for not being her bff. Then it turned into mental abuse by belittling me and telling me that I wasn't good enough. Then it turned into me crying every single day either at work, before work, or after work.

I knew that something had to change so I planned on quitting. The funny thing is I got fired the morning I was going to quit. Even funnier thing is I found a job online that had my same exact job description before I went to work and got dumb are they?

So now I get to sit at home and collect unemployment while I look for a new job that I actually wake up excited about.

"The roads of your dreams are not paved with yellow brick; in fact, they may be paved with rejection letters. The people who succeed are often not just the people with the best-articulated brands; they're the people who respond to rejection by brushing themselves off and moving on, again and again." ~Kelly Cutrone